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Singlemom78 is Catholic. Not the crazy stereotype that non-Catholics have, but an honest to goodness practicing Catholic. I’m on birth control, I’ve never used natural family planning, I had premarital sex, and yes, I’m divorced. Not only am I divorced, but my marriage (which took place between Catholic EX and I in the church with a full mass) has not been annulled by the church. I’ve not even started the process. To be honest, I haven’t really considered the process…until now.

Unless you’re Catholic, I think many of the traditions seem odd and foreign. I know a lot of them are the butt of jokes (I’ve even made a few myself). My friends don’t understand the annulment process and to be honest, neither did I. I still don’t understand all of it just yet, but I hope to learn more. I’m seeking the final goodbye in the chapter of my marriage. After talking to other Catholics whom have been through this, I feel like the process will aid in that.

At first, I thought if I got my marriage annulled, it was like saying it never happened, like those 11 years didn’t exist…like my kids were not legitimate. I couldn’t have been more wrong in that assumption. It’s not that it didn’t happen, it’s not that the kids weren’t legitimate, they were born under a legal marriage, brought into the church and baptized (and are continuing the sacraments in the church), and made part of God’s family – regardless of if the church nullifys the marriage or not.

This is going to be a hard process, from what I’ve been told. Spiritually and emotionally hard. My understanding from others is that I have to go into extreme detail about why my marriage failed and why it couldn’t be saved. Not only that, but you have to have references from outside people that knew both of you. I have to go through this process and then they send the papers to EX (who will undoubtedly take this as a slap in the face and will be hurt by what I will say about him, even if it is the truth). All in all, it sounds like a great deal of time and emotion. However, those are the things that heal your soul the most; time and emotion. I’m ready to get this off my chest.

I’m looking at the process a lot like I do with this blog; I hope it to be cathartic. I hope to really meditate and pray on this to gain understanding. Most of all though, I hope to finally forgive myself. I deserve the chance to move on with a clean slate and open heart. I feel like I can get this by going through this process.

I don’t believe I should have to do this. At first it just felt like it was something I had to do, as a Catholic. I want to do this now, I want to finish grieving my bad choice, my lack of foresight, and I want to have a second chance at feeling whole.