Fate Fell Short.

Random: That chorus from the Blink 182 song keeps going through my head, mashed in with a bunch of other songs.

“Fate fell short this time
Your smile fades in the summer
Place your hand in mine
I’ll leave when I wanna”

It feels like time is running short. Like my schedule and no one else’s ever seems to sync up. I’m here, waiting for it to catch up, but life (or whoever) seems content to hang back…so I’ve chosen to keep on moving forward. The only thing that has really felt like I’m in step with is going back to school. I think, subconsciously, I’ve been pretty bitter about the lack of consideration of my life and time frame by others and now that I’m doing something for me – I’m happy again, even though it means possibly being alone when August rolls around.

The independence feels good though. I spent so many years feeling so stuck that when I even get a hint of that again, I just want to pull off my boots to leave in the mud and go. It’s a great motivator, albeit a tough lesson to learn. I’ve found when I don’t get the support I need from family or loved ones, I support myself better. I guess I’m still looking for someone that can support me through stuff better than me – so now I’m working toward a goal to do just that and I feel much better.

“I’ve got my ticket for the long way ’round
The one with the prettiest of views
It’s got mountains, it’s got rivers, it’s got sights to give you shivers
But it sure would be prettier with you”

This train is ready to depart. Sorry if you went to buy your ticket just a little too late. That was your choice. This is mine.

Bestest of News.

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After my last kind of downer post about feeling kind of stuck, I got my sign. The very same day I posted that, I received an acceptance letter into the MBA program of my choice!!!

It honestly felt like God touched down and said ‘I see you child. I know you feel I’m gone, I know you don’t understand your struggle, but I see you working hard.’ I know that sounds stupid over just an acceptance letter, but it was so energizing to hear, finally, from someone – your hard work has paid off.

It also really gives me the final sense of security. When EX and I first married, there was a small discussion about me being a stay at home mom when we eventually had kids. I never really pushed that hard in my career before getting pregnant. It didn’t work out that I could stay at home, so I just took a job I loved but never really pushed too hard to go anywhere. Then four years ago, that all changed. I’m now a single mom of 3 kids who will, by the way, eventually be in college at the same time. EX isn’t really great with money and I don’t want to saddle the kiddos with too much college debt, so I’d like to be able to afford to help them as much as I possibly can. Four years ago, when I asked EX to move out, I realized that I couldn’t just really rely on his income – I was on my own. I had put so much of that on pause, but it’s back on now. I have to stay focused on building my life whether it’s with someone else or not and learn to accept that.

Of course, I’d much rather be building it with someone else…a certain MOD…

So, now you’re reading the musings of a grad student. Just ignore the use of “bestest” up there in the title.

I’m Not Lost…I’m Just Not Found Yet.

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I just realized it’s been almost 3 months since I journaled last. I guess that’s because I just feel kind of misplaced recently. Ex is so unpredictable. Sometimes he’s funny, nice, and interested in what’s going on…then other times he’s not. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that it’s connected to his fiance’s presence. He seems to be funny, nice, and interested in talking about the kids when she’s not around. Other than that, he wants to keep the kids’ lives with them and the kids’ lives with me totally separate. I don’t know if she thinks there’s still some kind of relationship with me there or not, but I wish I could reassure her that he is ALL her’s. Along those lines, I did kind of lose my cool a few nights ago. Kid1 had gotten punished for something (rightfully) and he told her that she couldn’t use her iPod at his house for 2 weeks. He then made some snarky comment (when she’d asked if she could use it at home – my house) about how he couldn’t control what went on over here. I had my back turned to him at the time, facing my stove, and said “you’re an idiot”. He turned around and said “what?” I told him he was foolish to keep thinking that the kids had separate lives between the two houses, that their lives were all one piece, shuttled between two houses. If we were to co-parent, then we were going to be on the same page and that went the same with punishments. If she was punished in one place, then that held at the other. I told him I’d keep her iPod and eventually we changed it to 1 week, since it was enforced at both places.

The change in his communication from before he was in a relationship and after has been immensely stressful. He was a poor enough communicator before, but now it seems like his communication is hampered even more so as his relationship has gotten more serious. Recently, I asked him about what his plans were for the kids and vacation – he said “do I have to notify you every time I take them out of state?”  I explained to him that yes, legally he did, but even more importantly – I like to know where the kids are so if something happens I know how or where to find them. Around town, I don’t need to know there whereabouts. Drive to a nearby town – no problem. However, if state lines are crossed, I have a right to know. Sometimes, I feel like shouldn’t have to explain stuff. That was definitely one of those things.

On me, just me…I don’t feel lost, I just feel like I need some direction to move on. My life with the boyfriend, MOD, just seems at a standstill. I know he says he’s trying hard to find a job and move, but I’m afraid my patience has worn thin after close to 2 years of this promise and I’m getting to the point I’m nervous about waiting any longer. I’m too afraid to approach him with other ideas of how to get here quicker again, I’m too afraid to push too hard on “hey, have you applied for more jobs?”, and I just don’t know what to do.

It feels like ever since the separation and divorce, 4 years ago, I’ve been stuck. Either stuck in fear because of the unknown of Ex and what he may do next, or stuck in fear of moving on from the best relationship I’ve ever been in just because of distance. I’m also now in a holding pattern with Grad School. I applied to a 2 year, intensive, online MBA program and am waiting to hear back. I held off on applying in prior years because I was under the belief that MOD was moving down…but that was put on hold (mainly out of his uncertainty, not mine). His and my relationship though is coming up on 4 years, so it’s time. If I get accepted, once that programs kicks into high gear, I’ve told MOD that he has to be here or we aren’t going to make it. You would think a long distance relationship gives you more time, but in fact it doesn’t. My life is so disjointed into nightly phone calls, late nights to and from the train station, and then, when he is here on the weekends, I’ve missed him so much I don’t want to do anything else. The other thing is the lack of support. He is absolutely amazing on the weekends – exactly what I need in my life. During the week though, when I need someone the most – he’s not here. The problem with continuing it through this Graduate Program (if I get in) is that I won’t be able to fully commit my weekends to him – so there would really be no point in carrying on, except postponing the inevitable.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way. There are other ways for him to get down here quicker. I’ve told him them over and over…but I think he’s tuned them out. If it’s really what he wants, he will find a way. If it’s not, then at least I’ll know for sure (no matter how utterly heartbroken I’ll be).

Big News.

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I can’t believe I haven’t blogged on the biggest rustling in my kids’ lives recently – EX got engaged. Yep, he’s marrying the girl with the same name as me.

Here’s the dish…

EX (without warning to me – and later you’ll see why he should have) spoke to the kids on a Tuesday, asking them what they’d think if he and Girl With The Same Name got engaged. Two of the three kids asked him not to, said that they didn’t think it was right. The third one pretty much didn’t care one way or another. EX drops the kids off to me that night and immediately, I could tell something was wrong. Since there was no heads up, you know, to the mother of the children that he was going to be telling them some potentially life changing information – I was blindsided by a very upset Kid2, a very distant Kid1, and a mildly confused Kid3. Kid2 came in and I could immediately tell something had happened, so I gave him the “shhh” sign and said “we’ll talk about it after he’s gone”. As soon as EX walked out – our home became like a beehive with all three little voices speaking at once. My advice to them, just be honest. I asked them if they understood that it was okay with mommy if daddy gets remarried, that I wasn’t interested in that with daddy because we couldn’t make it work. They said they were fine with that and in fact, they wanted me to remarry The Boyfriend that I’ve been seeing for over 3 years. That led into a whole other conversation. They asked why, since I had been seeing The Boyfriend longer, was daddy getting engaged first. So, I leveled with them. I believe in honest with my children, so I tearfully explained that when mommy said yes to marrying daddy, she thought she’d only be doing that once. I told them that when I got married, I had a lifetime of happiness planned out in my head. When that started to fall apart, it was very difficult for me to heal from it. I told them that I had to make sure that I was all healed before I tried to go down that road. They were so loving and supportive of me, it just made my heart melt.

They were still quite upset about their dad though. I tried to prepare them, telling them that if their dad had asked them about how they’d feel if he got engaged, he was probably already planning on doing it.

So the following Thursday, when EX had his 3 hour visitation again, Kid2 told me that he took him aside and said to him again that he didn’t want him to marry Girl With the Same Name.

That Saturday (Valentine’s Day) they got engaged. It was odd – the kids were at their house for the weekend and EX didn’t even really involve them, I guess because he already knew two of them weren’t happy about it. Why he chose to do it when they were there – I have no clue. He apparently proposed in their bedroom and they came out to their family room to tell the kids.

Understandably, the kids were a little upset. They were prepared for it, but still upset. I’ve tried speaking with them to tell them that this is a big deal and they need to try and find a way to allow Girl With the Same Name into the family, since she will be their step mom. Kid2 said “no, she’s dad’s wife.” I left it at that.

Now for my side.

When we first got divorced in 2011, I thought about what it would be like for each of us, individually, to move on. Having been married 11 years, together for 16, I honestly thought that no matter how much time had passed, that it would hurt. It would be like the final goodbye to all those hopes and dreams that I had pictured in my head, in my early 20’s, before I had walked down the aisle.

I can’t believe it didn’t hurt though. Not one bit. If anything it gave me a final bit of closure – like a last goodbye. I don’t have to worry anymore about “what if” he changed back into the man I married (which, in reality, I know will never happen). He will be someone else husband. There is almost a huge sense of relief in that. Almost like a blessing to move on – not that I didn’t have it before.

So at the same time though, there was some jealousy. Not in the way I thought there would be. I’m jealous he’s moving to that point in life already and I am not. I so pictured myself finding the right person and dating for a year or two, and then continuing the hopes and dreams I have for myself along with some new ones for the future with someone else. That just hasn’t progressed for me yet though. I think it could have, but it just hasn’t. I find some small amount of jealousy inside that he has that and I don’t.

So there’s my big confession.

Meanwhile, EX has still said nothing to me about the engagement. I’m not sure what to make of that. I would have thought he would be broadcasting it – but not so much. Maybe because the kids are upset, maybe because two of them have already said they don’t want to be in his wedding – they just want to watch. I’m not sure. It’s hard to tell with EX. He can be so manipulative sometimes, I never really understand his motives until he shows his hand.

So here’s MY big news…

MY ANNULMENT WENT THROUGH!!!   More to come on that though. I need a different post to explain that.

Why Can’t We Just Talk.

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My mood: defeated. But this is just temporary because I will move on, with or without an explanation.

My life, in all areas (personal & professional) seem to be a communication mess. Sometimes I feel like a lost soul, just looking for that one person who will just be honest and say what they feel, when they are feeling it, and allow me to do the same. I clearly haven’t found that yet – anywhere.

I honestly can’t comprehend why anyone would open a problem up and then just walk away from it. The most difficult part for me is when they return and want to pretend it’s not there. Like Pandora’s box was never opened.

At work, it’s the Human Resource part of my job. Employees come to me and can be, at times, so passive aggressive. It’s one of the main reasons I hate that part of my job. My main title is more in line with accounting. I like accounting. The numbers always balance in the end because – well, they have to. When the accounts don’t balance – there is always a reason why and you can always dig through and find it.

When it’s people, they can’t be bothered to dig through and find it. They don’t feel like they owe it to the other person to balance at the end.

The Boyfriend jumped my case last Sunday just before he got out of my car to leave on a train to go home (yes…we are still long distance…). Things were tense in the car, for reasons I’m not going to go into, but it was nothing to start a fight over. I needed to clear my head because the issue was weighing heavily on my mind and it was working overtime, thinking if he’s not getting some kind of thing from me he must be getting it somewhere else. So, to kind of shut off those thoughts and basically convince myself to believe him when he said he’s not – I turned up the radio. The compulsive thoughts that come in with OCD are sometimes so difficult to tune out, I literally have to drown them out somehow. So the music may have been a little loud – but by no means ear piercing (I’d have had it at that level with my kids in the car, with no concern). We got to the station and I turned off the radio so he and I could talk – he just lost it on me. Nothing I could say was right after that. He raised his voice about the radio, I apologized and tried to explain that I wasn’t doing it to piss him off, I needed the distraction. I tried telling him that he should have told me earlier – but then he said no matter what I would have been mad, that I’ve gotten mad at him before when he’s brought up the loudness of the radio (which is totally untrue). I told him he could have turned it down, and he basically told me that he was “to afraid” of the wrath. All over a freaking radio!!! Then he said that I am too critical and nothing he does is ever right. I told him that I needed some examples and that I’m sorry if he feels that way, but I don’t feel like I do that to him…but if I do, tell me how. He said I don’t appreciate the things he does for me, he said I will say things like “it’s nice, but next time do this”. I asked him if he wanted me to start lying to him. I told him that I am a very honest person and, if you ask me a question like “how do you really feel about {something}” I’m going to answer honestly and as constructively as possible.

That was what hurt the most though. I tried giving him an example of something this weekend that I was MORE than appreciative on – a kind gesture that practically brought me to tears, that I repeatedly thanked him for, and even shared with my family because it touched me so much – but it fell on deaf ears. Apparently at that time, all he could see is someone who takes for granted any kindness or effort he has put out.

One of the qualities that I pride myself on is gratitude. I know what I have in life and I appreciate where it all came from. Some of it is from my hard work, but a great deal has been through the love and support of my family and friends.

Here is where my snark-y side will come in. This is just a vent.

I feel there are quite a few times where I am not appreciated. I have gone out of my way to help. I have emotionally supported, financially assisted, and physically been there. This has been taken advantage of repeatedly, but I still do it. I am no martyr, I am no saint, and I don’t do it for recognition, but when I’m disrespected or my efforts aren’t appreciated, well I can’t help but to feel bitter.

I have done all of this in my relationships. I have also received this in my relationship from him as well, but it’s hurtful when it’s conveniently forgotten – all my compassion and affection that I’ve put into this. It seems to be forgotten all the times I bought train tickets to go up there and paid for stuff the entire weekend, because he was short. I have bought train tickets both ways as well (not just mine). I have gone out of my way every single holiday to make him smile – only to be let down because it was barely even recognized or appreciated in the past (he has gotten better about this, to be fair). I have gone above and beyond to thank him when he does the little things for me, and this I know for sure, because I want him to continue to do them now that he’s started and I figure if it didn’t occur to him to do them in the beginning of our relationship, I should appreciate that he does them now and make sure he knows it, so it continues…because I do deserve to be treated that way.

So now, to get through all of this and to be left in tears at the train station – hurting. For him to avoid the topic and not even offer an explanation – heartless. To try and pretend it didn’t happen and just carry on with normal conversation – cold. You can’t just yell at someone and hurt them, especially telling them that they are a bad person and over critical, then just expect them to recover without even discussing it with them.

Communication. Why is that so hard?

The other added part to this is the comment to me ‘I’m just under so much pressure. All these people keep expecting so much for me to move down here in just a few short months…’

No one is pressuring a choice like that. The few short months part is a lie. It’s been almost 2 years.

Come May 1st, changes will happen. Joyous like I want, or I’ll strong like I need if things don’t work out, I can’t sustain this.

The thing is – it could be so good. Everything could go so well if we could just…communicate.

My Faults.

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It’s so easy for me to blog how I’m feeling, without regard to my own faults. Some of these have become glaringly obvious, causing problems in my family and personal life.

I am still scared. I am so scared of being hurt again that I push away the people that really love me. I work so hard to find their faults and use those as weapons against them – not even thinking of my own. I use this as a distraction tactic – hoping that if I point out their faults first, they won’t be able to see how deeply faulted I am myself.

I am stubborn. I am hard headed. I have difficulty admitting when I am wrong. I expect others to own up to their faults and their mistakes, but I don’t hold myself to that same standard. That is immensely wrong and I am committed to working on that and correcting my wrongs.

I am pushy and bossy. I want things done my way and will get easily irritated when they are not. I need to realize that my way isn’t the “right” way and that others can do things just as well and end at the same result, just a different way.

I am still hurting and still mourn the man I married, even though I know that man doesn’t exist. I secretly blame myself and my faults for somehow driving that man away and losing him to alcohol. I also think that I look at those early “good” years with EX through rose colored glasses, because I’m afraid to admit that I was already overlooking the issues that were approaching – and then stayed too long in denial.

Most of all, I am heartbroken because my warpath has sincerely hurt someone in ways they didn’t deserve. I am beyond sorry and I’m not sure there is anyway I could regret my words and actions anymore than I do right now.

I Need a Break.

Toxic. It’s just toxic to me. I can’t pretend it’s okay, I can’t pretend I’m still happy and proud. I’m exhausted with not being happy and starting to feel like I’m ready to find happiness away from you. I’m exhausted with feeling taken for granted. I’m expected to just keep forgiving and forgetting, even getting criticized when I don’t reply as nice as you need or as supportive as you need, when all you’ve done is destruct our relationship – piece by piece and not taken into any consideration what I need.

I need a break.

You don’t even fight for us. You do your thing and then you cower and hide and expect me to fix it all. You appear to never feel remorse – you just do what you want and leave whatever wreckage behind. What you don’t realize is that little by little, you are chipping away at any chance you’ve ever had with me to have a decent relationship.

It’s becoming typical for you.

I Hate “Facebook Couples”.

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I saw this really funny blog (on Thought Catalog … which I still can’t get to reblog proper) and I wanted to share it. It was just a silly little post where someone had just asked random people what they hate about Facebook couples. It cracked me up, because it’s so true.

I randomly surveyed people around my campus and asked them to tell me the one thing they hate about Facebook couples.

1.

Stop posting couple selfies as if the last selfie of you kissing is so much different from the other twelve selfies of you kissing. Congratulations, you like to kiss each other like the majority of the other couples in America. (4 people)

2.

Stop arguing over Facebook and then making up over Facebook. Look up “privacy” in the dictionary. We don’t need to know all your business. Also, it just looks like you both love the drama. (5 people)

3.

Stop posting how nauseatingly happy you are with pictures and emotes. We get it, you love each other or at least you think you do. Some of us would like to be able to log on without you rubbing your happiness in our faces. Sample quotes from those I interviewed: “My boyfriend just died, but it’s so nice to be reminded every day that yours didn’t.” … “I like to make bets with our friends on how long until you can’t stand each other.” … “I know when I see posts like this, they’re only just starting out and don’t know each other.” (16 people)

4.

Your pet names for each other. Really? I get that you want to be original. You can’t use “honey” or “baby” or something like that. You have to be original and use some stupid variation of a common pet name and then post it all over the place as if that makes your relationship more valid. When I see, “My Hooney Booney,” or “Luv u bubee,” and I know it isn’t a damn typo, I want to V8 pop you. (3 people)

5.

Posting pictures of their text messages. Posting that message where he cleverly changed what you said into an expression of love is so boring and unoriginal. Keep your swooning to yourself. How many times can we see your conversations of you two saying you love each other without it getting old? (1 person)

6.

This is usually one-sided, but stop posting how much you love them on every single thing that has ANYTHING to do with them. They tagged the person you love in a picture? Why do you feel like you should say, “So cute. Love you so much!!! *ten emotes and hashtags*” (2 people)

7.

Celebrating anniversaries for stupid time periods. Really? A two-week anniversary? Your relationships tend not to last this long, do they? (7 people)

8.

Changing your relationship status every week because you break up every time you have a little spat. It gets old to write a fake sympathetic “Aww, what happened?” when it happens so often. (1 person)

9.

The ones who clearly flaunt their relationship because they know their ex can see it. Grow the hell up. You probably don’t even like that person you’re with. You just want to make your ex jealous. How do I know? How about the fact that you keep your ex on your list but when you make a post, you only post it when they’re online, you only post things after they’ve posted something, and to top it off, you put in the title, “So happy with someone new,” or “He/She was everything I needed. I’ve been looking at the wrong people for years.” (1 person)

10.

The kind who post about waiting for their significant other to come home every single night. I get they’re at work and you’re bored or lonely, but why do you have to post, “Waiting for my man to come home” every single night? (3 people)

11.

The ones who say other people are bitter because they’re sick of seeing these things. Honey, no one is jealous of you, we’re just sick of your high-school romance. We’re all adults here, and we’d just appreciate it if you didn’t revert back to being a teenager every time you get into a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with being happy, but there is something wrong with being an airhead. When you call someone bitter for being sick of your crap, it makes it seem like we can’t have an opposing opinion without being biased because of our own love life. (9 people)

Panic Weight.

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Totally unrelated…

I’ve hit my panic weight. I’m pretty sure you ladies know what weight I’m talking about. It’s that one number that, if you should hit, sends you into a tizzy and gets your butt into high gear to take control back.

I’m an emotional eater. I eat when I’m stressed. For various reasons (which are personal in the sense that I don’t want to disclose because they aren’t my issues – but they do wear on me a great deal) I’ve been majorly stress eating the past 6 months – and it shows.

Which brings up my issue of letting others issues seep into my life and take control.

There are days that I stress about situations that are not even my own, rather they affect loved ones. It’s okay for me to empathize, but it’s not okay to let it stress me out more than it actually stresses the person it’s happening to.

I need to let go and realize that the only thing I can control is myself. Today, I am taking that control back.

I was telling my dear friend, PLM about this, and she said that if I cared for myself with as much effort as I’ve taken to getting The Boyfriend  or EX on the right track in their lives (which she even said was a noble cause and that I shouldn’t even feel bad about that – supporting them) I’d be unstoppable. Of course, then she told me I should do it just in case, come next May, I’m back into the dating pool. LOL!

I don’t always put in the effort I do for others, into myself. I would go a thousand miles to make sure the things my kids need, the support they deserve, or whatever else was taken care of – yet here I am, neglecting my own feelings and body.

This stops today – not the supporting other people, but the not realizing that my needs and my own well being is just as important. I don’t have to sacrifice myself for others – especially those who don’t make any effort to be a part of my life in the same way.

I feel better and empowered just having written that. :-)