I can’t believe I haven’t blogged on the biggest rustling in my kids’ lives recently – EX got engaged. Yep, he’s marrying the girl with the same name as me.
Here’s the dish…
EX (without warning to me – and later you’ll see why he should have) spoke to the kids on a Tuesday, asking them what they’d think if he and Girl With The Same Name got engaged. Two of the three kids asked him not to, said that they didn’t think it was right. The third one pretty much didn’t care one way or another. EX drops the kids off to me that night and immediately, I could tell something was wrong. Since there was no heads up, you know, to the mother of the children that he was going to be telling them some potentially life changing information – I was blindsided by a very upset Kid2, a very distant Kid1, and a mildly confused Kid3. Kid2 came in and I could immediately tell something had happened, so I gave him the “shhh” sign and said “we’ll talk about it after he’s gone”. As soon as EX walked out – our home became like a beehive with all three little voices speaking at once. My advice to them, just be honest. I asked them if they understood that it was okay with mommy if daddy gets remarried, that I wasn’t interested in that with daddy because we couldn’t make it work. They said they were fine with that and in fact, they wanted me to remarry The Boyfriend that I’ve been seeing for over 3 years. That led into a whole other conversation. They asked why, since I had been seeing The Boyfriend longer, was daddy getting engaged first. So, I leveled with them. I believe in honest with my children, so I tearfully explained that when mommy said yes to marrying daddy, she thought she’d only be doing that once. I told them that when I got married, I had a lifetime of happiness planned out in my head. When that started to fall apart, it was very difficult for me to heal from it. I told them that I had to make sure that I was all healed before I tried to go down that road. They were so loving and supportive of me, it just made my heart melt.
They were still quite upset about their dad though. I tried to prepare them, telling them that if their dad had asked them about how they’d feel if he got engaged, he was probably already planning on doing it.
So the following Thursday, when EX had his 3 hour visitation again, Kid2 told me that he took him aside and said to him again that he didn’t want him to marry Girl With the Same Name.
That Saturday (Valentine’s Day) they got engaged. It was odd – the kids were at their house for the weekend and EX didn’t even really involve them, I guess because he already knew two of them weren’t happy about it. Why he chose to do it when they were there – I have no clue. He apparently proposed in their bedroom and they came out to their family room to tell the kids.
Understandably, the kids were a little upset. They were prepared for it, but still upset. I’ve tried speaking with them to tell them that this is a big deal and they need to try and find a way to allow Girl With the Same Name into the family, since she will be their step mom. Kid2 said “no, she’s dad’s wife.” I left it at that.
Now for my side.
When we first got divorced in 2011, I thought about what it would be like for each of us, individually, to move on. Having been married 11 years, together for 16, I honestly thought that no matter how much time had passed, that it would hurt. It would be like the final goodbye to all those hopes and dreams that I had pictured in my head, in my early 20’s, before I had walked down the aisle.
I can’t believe it didn’t hurt though. Not one bit. If anything it gave me a final bit of closure – like a last goodbye. I don’t have to worry anymore about “what if” he changed back into the man I married (which, in reality, I know will never happen). He will be someone else husband. There is almost a huge sense of relief in that. Almost like a blessing to move on – not that I didn’t have it before.
So at the same time though, there was some jealousy. Not in the way I thought there would be. I’m jealous he’s moving to that point in life already and I am not. I so pictured myself finding the right person and dating for a year or two, and then continuing the hopes and dreams I have for myself along with some new ones for the future with someone else. That just hasn’t progressed for me yet though. I think it could have, but it just hasn’t. I find some small amount of jealousy inside that he has that and I don’t.
So there’s my big confession.
Meanwhile, EX has still said nothing to me about the engagement. I’m not sure what to make of that. I would have thought he would be broadcasting it – but not so much. Maybe because the kids are upset, maybe because two of them have already said they don’t want to be in his wedding – they just want to watch. I’m not sure. It’s hard to tell with EX. He can be so manipulative sometimes, I never really understand his motives until he shows his hand.
So here’s MY big news…
MY ANNULMENT WENT THROUGH!!! More to come on that though. I need a different post to explain that.