Today is Rough. I Feel Tomorrow Will Be, Too.

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Today was my first day back at work, post breakup (the kiddos and I were on vacation last week). I kept half expecting and waiting for my “good morning, I love you” text – which of course was foolish because he’s decided to move on.

My daughter keeps asking me why I don’t call him. She said it’s not like me not to try. I told her that’s very true, it’s not. Explaining to her though that this is the ex-boyfriend’s choice, to end communication, is not an easy one. She knows I’m big into talking through everything and I think it’s difficult for her to see that I’m not.

If only she knew how tough it was for me.

I want to hear that he realizes what he’s given up and how he’s going to get here. I want to hear how this was the biggest mistake of his life and he’s ready for the life we planned together. I just want to hear his voice and know how he could just wake up one day and decide he was done, turn around, and walk away like we meant nothing to him.

But I have a feeling he’s has convinced himself into complacency again. Passing by the chance for the family he’s always wanted and a life of happiness and stability. Love…unconditional love from many people, but mainly me.

It feels like a ghost though. I was so happy and then, he just disappeared. A seven word text was all it was worth. I am still heartbroken.

Heartbreak is Unavoidable.

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So I told the kids today the real deal. I think when MOD texted me on Friday morning the message “I can’t do it. I’m so sorry.” I was still in denial. It took me all weekend to come to terms with that –  our happily ever aftershave wasn’t going to include him. Even reading those words now causes tears to stream down my face.

The kids asked what happened. Do you know how hard it is to explain to them that three and a half years of a wonderful relationship, to a man they loved, was ended by a 7 word text? They wanted to know what happened, so I simply explained that MOD was to afraid to move down here and couldn’t get past that fear, that it was nothing they or I did, and that it was his decision and his choice. They asked me what we talked about when it happened. I told them we hadn’t talked, he just messaged me what he did and it was done. Then child 2 asked me, “Is there any chance he will change his mind?” I told him that I didn’t know, but considering I haven’t heard a peep from MOD, it seemed likely that the answer was no.

Then the crying started. As if my heart wasn’t hurting enough, I now had to watch my kids mourn the very same relationship that I was mourning. Which made it worse. They immediately wanted to call him. I told them no. They asked why he didn’t come to say goodbye. I told them I didn’t know, but I didn’t think that could happen. I told him MOD just needed some space and that maybe they could text him later in the week or so.

…….

It feels so empty in our home now, minus one person that should be here. We’re packing to go on vacation and it feels so odd. The kids keep talking about funny things from previous vacations and stopping short, because they realize those memories all include MOD.

I look around and see so much that reminds me of him and our time together. The dried flowers atop our TV – roses from him. The photo, now taken down, of us with his grandma, and the one of our family at the Dixie Stampede (one of the things we did on our last vacation). The card he gave me recently after I was going through a particularly stressful time, with his sweet caricature of him, blowing a kiss, with the simple note “I love you. That is all.” The goofy little Cinderella Precious Moments he gave me for my birthday, because he knew that was my favorite fairy tale of all times…now just serves as a reminder of the Happily Ever After that slipped by, because of his fear.

It’s all still hard for me to process. Here is a man who loved us dearly, who could calm me down with the simple words “you’re better than this, stop” when I’d go over the deep end, who would rub my back every night to help me sleep, who would call me every night and text me every morning, even if it was just to say he loved me. This man who I envisioned my future with, that I was excited to be able to give him what he so desperately wanted – a real family, was gone with just a simple 7 word text.

I loved him. I truly loved him. These last few months were difficult for us because of the immense pressure of trying to get him to move here. I was difficult. He was difficult. I just can’t believe it culminated in this though. There was no final event. No cheating, no falling out of love – just him running away in the other direction without explanation. As I told the kids, we will move on. We did okay before MOD came into our lives and now, we will be fine after. We will be fine. I just need to keep reminding us of that.

Reminders.

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We all need things to kick us a little, shake us up, and remind us of what’s really important to us every once in awhile.

The thing I always keep in mind is that I know it’s out there for me. I know what I want is just ahead of me and all I have to do is keep moving forward, not backwards, to find it.

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Are You There God? It’s Me, Singlemom78.

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A homily (of all things) from a few weeks ago keeps playing in my head today. Almost like someone has hit the repeat button. The scriptures were about people being afraid of God or afraid he’d somehow forgotten them. In his homily, the Deacon said that God answers our prayers and needs in three ways.

  1. Yes.
  2. Yes, but.
  3. Yes, but something different.

I don’t yell my faith from the rooftops. You will rarely see my professions of faith on Facebook and if we speak, I don’t directly talk about them. I like to think that I live them in my life to the point where I don’t have to directly point them out to someone that I believe in God. I always get a chuckle out of those who feel the need to proselytize or who somehow act superior that they are Christian (or whatever faith they are, just Christian is more prevalent to me because it’s who I personally come into contact with more that does this).

I am at that point though. Things are rough, stress wise, and I find myself questioning if God maybe forgot me. If he somehow forgot all of my hopes and plans for that nuclear family, something I wanted to experience so much when I envisioned adulthood. I wonder if he recalls what a good spouse I was and if he even feels like he should guide EX to be more kind in his interactions with me. I also question whether he sees my life lived as I do up to this point – with the best of intentions, the kindest of hearts, and although full of faults, living with great awareness of my faults and trying to do my best with them.

It’s been long enough and all things point to God’s answer to me either being a resounding fourth answer (the fourth being “forget you child, for you are hopelessly lost”) or it’s more likely #3. Yes to everything I want, but different.

It’s just the patience of trying to wait and see what the different is.

I can’t control fate. I can’t guide God. Clearly, I can’t even seem to hold my life together some days – at least all the external things. I have a strong faith that keeps me together. Keeps me in the places I need to be at work, with my kids, in continuing my education, but it seems to lack in keeping the emotional part of me together. There are so many external factors that are working on tearing that down that at times, I can’t see God through the fog.

I still know he’s there because, well obviously I am still here and I feel the strength holding me together. At times though, it tough. It’s gotten really tough the past few months.

EX has become progressively more passive aggressive (and at times, just aggressive) towards me, post engagement to SMOTY (step-mother of the year). My perception (which may be off) is that she is angry with me because two of the three kids asked him not to get engaged to her. There are so many reasons why they don’t think it is a good fit and I can say with a very clear conscience – none of them are due to me. Now though, EX is not allowed to come in and speak to me when he drops the kids off.

Example – he texts me on a Thursday before he is supposed to have the kids for the weekend the next day. He asks me to pack nice clothing because they are having family photos. I tell him the only nice clothes the boys have would likely be long sleeved. He said fine. When I went to look for the clothes, I found one shirt that would definitely not fit either boy. So I told him I didn’t have a full outfit for each of them in the dress clothing, and asked is there was something else he had in mind. He asked for polo shirts. Turns out, I only had one of those as well. I told him I could pull together some of the nicer shirts they had and that I had just bought them new shoes for the school year that they could wear a little early so they’d look clean for the photos. No response. I mentioned that if he had told me a little earlier, I could have taken them shopping and gotten some clothing that coordinated. His response? “I didn’t realize this would take coordination”. Then I explained to him that I meant matched well for photos. I dug few a few things and texted him with what I found and got no response. So I texted “How about you come inside when you drop the kids off and you can take a look at what I’ve pulled together and pick what you want me to pack for them?” His reply? “I’m not going to come in to look. If you have something that’s good, if not we will figure it out.”

It sure would have been nice to have gotten that response before he had me running all over the house, trying to dig up clothing to help him out.

So what’s happened most recently? Well, a bit of a back story first.

EX is getting remarried and never had a problem with the kids being there for the whole reception, until I reminded him that the court order not allowing him to drink was still in place and valid, even at occasions like his wedding. The very next day he came in and stated “I’ll have to find a place for the kids for the later part of the reception. I don’t want them to be up past their bedtime.”   I think anyone can see what a b.s. answer that is, considering they will be 12, 10, & 9 by the time his wedding rolls around.

So this week, he’s getting his digs to me on the kids’ schedules. He did actually come in last night when picking up the kids and spoke about the days he’s scheduled to have them that he can’t. One of them, understandingly, being his wedding night. No problem. He asks me if I would like to have the kids on his wedding night, when it’s time for our kids to leave the reception (bedtime, you know). That’s not the weird part. The odd part was some phrasing he used. He said “well, I wanted to give you first right of refusal”.

That term didn’t hit my consciousness until he walked out the door and my head has spinned ever since. What an odd phrase. Where had I heard that before? Then it flashed to me – HDM has said that phrase once when her EX decided to leave their sick kids home with his girlfriend instead of letting them be with their mom, like they wanted.

Panic set in and OCD thoughts are now in full swing. EX never seems to recall what’s in our divorce papers. He’s “forgotten” that he’s supposed to have the kids on his Birthday. He’s “forgotten” what holidays are his. The question in my head is – are those terms in our papers? Sure enough, they were. Why had EX been so carefully studying our divorce papers?

Then, the following texts ensued.

ME: Sorry…delayed comprehension. I just got what you meant by “first right of refusal”. Is there another option available to the kids for your wedding night?

EX: Yes, I can make arrangements for them.

ME: With family?

EX: {my brother’s name} and {my sister-in-law’s name} would probably be who I would ask.

ME: I meant your family. Anything with mine, I would coordinate.     If it was your mom or brother, I’d say ask the kids. I don’t want them ever to feel like their lives are dictated by our divorce. Know what I mean? (I don’t mean that snotty – just in case it comes across that way.)      I wouldn’t want them to miss out on time with your family just because I had them during your time. That wouldn’t be fair especially if they’d have rather been with your mom or someone like that. But if it’s not that and you need somewhere for them to go, of course – I am more than happy to.

EX: My family will be at the wedding. Why would I ask the kids about staying with their grandma or uncle? What is the issue with making arrangements with your family on my weekend with the kids? Am I not allowed to let them go over there on my weekends?

ME: I know they’ll be at the wedding, I just didn’t know if there was the option for the kids to have more time with them – I didn’t want to get in the way of that. Plus, they are old enough to make some of those decisions too. If we were still married, they’d have a say if they wanted to stay with your mom or not. I just wanted to make sure I was respecting that. No issue, that’s all. :)       I would love to have them come home. That works just fine. I’m just trying to make sure the kids weren’t missing out on time with your family, that’s all. I promise. Not trying to start anything, just trying to be cordial and do what’s good for them. Not picking a fight. I’ll mark down the night. When is it? I know November, but I don’t recall the date.

EX: {Date}. I’ll have to figure out how to get them to your house. We would pick them up Sunday morning at 9am.

ME: I could pick them up if need be. Your brother or someone could just meet me outside. Or maybe someone like {Mutual Friends who have a son the same age as our youngest} could bring them home.

EX: Picking them up sounds best.

What I got from his last text was that he was too afraid that our friends would stay longer at the reception than he wanted because he wouldn’t be able to drink until our kids were gone.

For those of you rubbing your eyes and wondering what the heck just happened, yes…I just agreed to pick up my kids from my EX’s wedding (which is in a town 20 minutes away) and then he didn’t thank me or anything along those lines – just stated they’d pick up the kids at 9am the next morning.

WTF.

Are you there God? It’s me, Singlemom 78…

I get you aren’t answering my prayers with a resounding yes. It’s quite clear with the lack of direction in my personal life that you aren’t giving me a “yes, but”. So, your answer must be the third one. Yes, but something different.

I’m having a hard time, God. You see, everything else in my life is great. I have a job that I absolutely love, kids I adore to the moon and back, better friends than I’m probably worthy of, and am embarking on continuing my education so I can grow in the field I love. So why this? Why does my something different not seem to include a “happily ever after” just yet? Why does it feel I am constantly being tested by EX and then under constant scrutiny and blame, even when I am doing nothing wrong?

Why has my extended family suffered so much at the hands of my sister-in-law? They are all living in fear because she is like this bomb without a timer – we just don’t know when she’ll go off, so we’re all too afraid to try and stop it?

Why, outside of the amazing, all encompassing love that I share with my children, why am I still so alone Monday through Friday after I kiss their sweet heads goodnight?

I’m trying to be patient, Lord, for my “but something different”…but as you know that is one of my flaws – patience isn’t my greatest virtue.

God, I know you’re there, and I know you’ll give me the answer loud and clear when it’s time, just help me understand why I have to encounter such hatred and deal with that, all on my own, before finding out what it is.

Fate Fell Short.

Random: That chorus from the Blink 182 song keeps going through my head, mashed in with a bunch of other songs.

“Fate fell short this time
Your smile fades in the summer
Place your hand in mine
I’ll leave when I wanna”

It feels like time is running short. Like my schedule and no one else’s ever seems to sync up. I’m here, waiting for it to catch up, but life (or whoever) seems content to hang back…so I’ve chosen to keep on moving forward. The only thing that has really felt like I’m in step with is going back to school. I think, subconsciously, I’ve been pretty bitter about the lack of consideration of my life and time frame by others and now that I’m doing something for me – I’m happy again, even though it means possibly being alone when August rolls around.

The independence feels good though. I spent so many years feeling so stuck that when I even get a hint of that again, I just want to pull off my boots to leave in the mud and go. It’s a great motivator, albeit a tough lesson to learn. I’ve found when I don’t get the support I need from family or loved ones, I support myself better. I guess I’m still looking for someone that can support me through stuff better than me – so now I’m working toward a goal to do just that and I feel much better.

“I’ve got my ticket for the long way ’round
The one with the prettiest of views
It’s got mountains, it’s got rivers, it’s got sights to give you shivers
But it sure would be prettier with you”

This train is ready to depart. Sorry if you went to buy your ticket just a little too late. That was your choice. This is mine.

Bestest of News.

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After my last kind of downer post about feeling kind of stuck, I got my sign. The very same day I posted that, I received an acceptance letter into the MBA program of my choice!!!

It honestly felt like God touched down and said ‘I see you child. I know you feel I’m gone, I know you don’t understand your struggle, but I see you working hard.’ I know that sounds stupid over just an acceptance letter, but it was so energizing to hear, finally, from someone – your hard work has paid off.

It also really gives me the final sense of security. When EX and I first married, there was a small discussion about me being a stay at home mom when we eventually had kids. I never really pushed that hard in my career before getting pregnant. It didn’t work out that I could stay at home, so I just took a job I loved but never really pushed too hard to go anywhere. Then four years ago, that all changed. I’m now a single mom of 3 kids who will, by the way, eventually be in college at the same time. EX isn’t really great with money and I don’t want to saddle the kiddos with too much college debt, so I’d like to be able to afford to help them as much as I possibly can. Four years ago, when I asked EX to move out, I realized that I couldn’t just really rely on his income – I was on my own. I had put so much of that on pause, but it’s back on now. I have to stay focused on building my life whether it’s with someone else or not and learn to accept that.

Of course, I’d much rather be building it with someone else…a certain MOD…

So, now you’re reading the musings of a grad student. Just ignore the use of “bestest” up there in the title.

I’m Not Lost…I’m Just Not Found Yet.

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I just realized it’s been almost 3 months since I journaled last. I guess that’s because I just feel kind of misplaced recently. Ex is so unpredictable. Sometimes he’s funny, nice, and interested in what’s going on…then other times he’s not. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that it’s connected to his fiance’s presence. He seems to be funny, nice, and interested in talking about the kids when she’s not around. Other than that, he wants to keep the kids’ lives with them and the kids’ lives with me totally separate. I don’t know if she thinks there’s still some kind of relationship with me there or not, but I wish I could reassure her that he is ALL her’s. Along those lines, I did kind of lose my cool a few nights ago. Kid1 had gotten punished for something (rightfully) and he told her that she couldn’t use her iPod at his house for 2 weeks. He then made some snarky comment (when she’d asked if she could use it at home – my house) about how he couldn’t control what went on over here. I had my back turned to him at the time, facing my stove, and said “you’re an idiot”. He turned around and said “what?” I told him he was foolish to keep thinking that the kids had separate lives between the two houses, that their lives were all one piece, shuttled between two houses. If we were to co-parent, then we were going to be on the same page and that went the same with punishments. If she was punished in one place, then that held at the other. I told him I’d keep her iPod and eventually we changed it to 1 week, since it was enforced at both places.

The change in his communication from before he was in a relationship and after has been immensely stressful. He was a poor enough communicator before, but now it seems like his communication is hampered even more so as his relationship has gotten more serious. Recently, I asked him about what his plans were for the kids and vacation – he said “do I have to notify you every time I take them out of state?”  I explained to him that yes, legally he did, but even more importantly – I like to know where the kids are so if something happens I know how or where to find them. Around town, I don’t need to know there whereabouts. Drive to a nearby town – no problem. However, if state lines are crossed, I have a right to know. Sometimes, I feel like shouldn’t have to explain stuff. That was definitely one of those things.

On me, just me…I don’t feel lost, I just feel like I need some direction to move on. My life with the boyfriend, MOD, just seems at a standstill. I know he says he’s trying hard to find a job and move, but I’m afraid my patience has worn thin after close to 2 years of this promise and I’m getting to the point I’m nervous about waiting any longer. I’m too afraid to approach him with other ideas of how to get here quicker again, I’m too afraid to push too hard on “hey, have you applied for more jobs?”, and I just don’t know what to do.

It feels like ever since the separation and divorce, 4 years ago, I’ve been stuck. Either stuck in fear because of the unknown of Ex and what he may do next, or stuck in fear of moving on from the best relationship I’ve ever been in just because of distance. I’m also now in a holding pattern with Grad School. I applied to a 2 year, intensive, online MBA program and am waiting to hear back. I held off on applying in prior years because I was under the belief that MOD was moving down…but that was put on hold (mainly out of his uncertainty, not mine). His and my relationship though is coming up on 4 years, so it’s time. If I get accepted, once that programs kicks into high gear, I’ve told MOD that he has to be here or we aren’t going to make it. You would think a long distance relationship gives you more time, but in fact it doesn’t. My life is so disjointed into nightly phone calls, late nights to and from the train station, and then, when he is here on the weekends, I’ve missed him so much I don’t want to do anything else. The other thing is the lack of support. He is absolutely amazing on the weekends – exactly what I need in my life. During the week though, when I need someone the most – he’s not here. The problem with continuing it through this Graduate Program (if I get in) is that I won’t be able to fully commit my weekends to him – so there would really be no point in carrying on, except postponing the inevitable.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way. There are other ways for him to get down here quicker. I’ve told him them over and over…but I think he’s tuned them out. If it’s really what he wants, he will find a way. If it’s not, then at least I’ll know for sure (no matter how utterly heartbroken I’ll be).

Big News.

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I can’t believe I haven’t blogged on the biggest rustling in my kids’ lives recently – EX got engaged. Yep, he’s marrying the girl with the same name as me.

Here’s the dish…

EX (without warning to me – and later you’ll see why he should have) spoke to the kids on a Tuesday, asking them what they’d think if he and Girl With The Same Name got engaged. Two of the three kids asked him not to, said that they didn’t think it was right. The third one pretty much didn’t care one way or another. EX drops the kids off to me that night and immediately, I could tell something was wrong. Since there was no heads up, you know, to the mother of the children that he was going to be telling them some potentially life changing information – I was blindsided by a very upset Kid2, a very distant Kid1, and a mildly confused Kid3. Kid2 came in and I could immediately tell something had happened, so I gave him the “shhh” sign and said “we’ll talk about it after he’s gone”. As soon as EX walked out – our home became like a beehive with all three little voices speaking at once. My advice to them, just be honest. I asked them if they understood that it was okay with mommy if daddy gets remarried, that I wasn’t interested in that with daddy because we couldn’t make it work. They said they were fine with that and in fact, they wanted me to remarry The Boyfriend that I’ve been seeing for over 3 years. That led into a whole other conversation. They asked why, since I had been seeing The Boyfriend longer, was daddy getting engaged first. So, I leveled with them. I believe in honest with my children, so I tearfully explained that when mommy said yes to marrying daddy, she thought she’d only be doing that once. I told them that when I got married, I had a lifetime of happiness planned out in my head. When that started to fall apart, it was very difficult for me to heal from it. I told them that I had to make sure that I was all healed before I tried to go down that road. They were so loving and supportive of me, it just made my heart melt.

They were still quite upset about their dad though. I tried to prepare them, telling them that if their dad had asked them about how they’d feel if he got engaged, he was probably already planning on doing it.

So the following Thursday, when EX had his 3 hour visitation again, Kid2 told me that he took him aside and said to him again that he didn’t want him to marry Girl With the Same Name.

That Saturday (Valentine’s Day) they got engaged. It was odd – the kids were at their house for the weekend and EX didn’t even really involve them, I guess because he already knew two of them weren’t happy about it. Why he chose to do it when they were there – I have no clue. He apparently proposed in their bedroom and they came out to their family room to tell the kids.

Understandably, the kids were a little upset. They were prepared for it, but still upset. I’ve tried speaking with them to tell them that this is a big deal and they need to try and find a way to allow Girl With the Same Name into the family, since she will be their step mom. Kid2 said “no, she’s dad’s wife.” I left it at that.

Now for my side.

When we first got divorced in 2011, I thought about what it would be like for each of us, individually, to move on. Having been married 11 years, together for 16, I honestly thought that no matter how much time had passed, that it would hurt. It would be like the final goodbye to all those hopes and dreams that I had pictured in my head, in my early 20’s, before I had walked down the aisle.

I can’t believe it didn’t hurt though. Not one bit. If anything it gave me a final bit of closure – like a last goodbye. I don’t have to worry anymore about “what if” he changed back into the man I married (which, in reality, I know will never happen). He will be someone else husband. There is almost a huge sense of relief in that. Almost like a blessing to move on – not that I didn’t have it before.

So at the same time though, there was some jealousy. Not in the way I thought there would be. I’m jealous he’s moving to that point in life already and I am not. I so pictured myself finding the right person and dating for a year or two, and then continuing the hopes and dreams I have for myself along with some new ones for the future with someone else. That just hasn’t progressed for me yet though. I think it could have, but it just hasn’t. I find some small amount of jealousy inside that he has that and I don’t.

So there’s my big confession.

Meanwhile, EX has still said nothing to me about the engagement. I’m not sure what to make of that. I would have thought he would be broadcasting it – but not so much. Maybe because the kids are upset, maybe because two of them have already said they don’t want to be in his wedding – they just want to watch. I’m not sure. It’s hard to tell with EX. He can be so manipulative sometimes, I never really understand his motives until he shows his hand.

So here’s MY big news…

MY ANNULMENT WENT THROUGH!!!   More to come on that though. I need a different post to explain that.

Why Can’t We Just Talk.

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My mood: defeated. But this is just temporary because I will move on, with or without an explanation.

My life, in all areas (personal & professional) seem to be a communication mess. Sometimes I feel like a lost soul, just looking for that one person who will just be honest and say what they feel, when they are feeling it, and allow me to do the same. I clearly haven’t found that yet – anywhere.

I honestly can’t comprehend why anyone would open a problem up and then just walk away from it. The most difficult part for me is when they return and want to pretend it’s not there. Like Pandora’s box was never opened.

At work, it’s the Human Resource part of my job. Employees come to me and can be, at times, so passive aggressive. It’s one of the main reasons I hate that part of my job. My main title is more in line with accounting. I like accounting. The numbers always balance in the end because – well, they have to. When the accounts don’t balance – there is always a reason why and you can always dig through and find it.

When it’s people, they can’t be bothered to dig through and find it. They don’t feel like they owe it to the other person to balance at the end.

The Boyfriend jumped my case last Sunday just before he got out of my car to leave on a train to go home (yes…we are still long distance…). Things were tense in the car, for reasons I’m not going to go into, but it was nothing to start a fight over. I needed to clear my head because the issue was weighing heavily on my mind and it was working overtime, thinking if he’s not getting some kind of thing from me he must be getting it somewhere else. So, to kind of shut off those thoughts and basically convince myself to believe him when he said he’s not – I turned up the radio. The compulsive thoughts that come in with OCD are sometimes so difficult to tune out, I literally have to drown them out somehow. So the music may have been a little loud – but by no means ear piercing (I’d have had it at that level with my kids in the car, with no concern). We got to the station and I turned off the radio so he and I could talk – he just lost it on me. Nothing I could say was right after that. He raised his voice about the radio, I apologized and tried to explain that I wasn’t doing it to piss him off, I needed the distraction. I tried telling him that he should have told me earlier – but then he said no matter what I would have been mad, that I’ve gotten mad at him before when he’s brought up the loudness of the radio (which is totally untrue). I told him he could have turned it down, and he basically told me that he was “to afraid” of the wrath. All over a freaking radio!!! Then he said that I am too critical and nothing he does is ever right. I told him that I needed some examples and that I’m sorry if he feels that way, but I don’t feel like I do that to him…but if I do, tell me how. He said I don’t appreciate the things he does for me, he said I will say things like “it’s nice, but next time do this”. I asked him if he wanted me to start lying to him. I told him that I am a very honest person and, if you ask me a question like “how do you really feel about {something}” I’m going to answer honestly and as constructively as possible.

That was what hurt the most though. I tried giving him an example of something this weekend that I was MORE than appreciative on – a kind gesture that practically brought me to tears, that I repeatedly thanked him for, and even shared with my family because it touched me so much – but it fell on deaf ears. Apparently at that time, all he could see is someone who takes for granted any kindness or effort he has put out.

One of the qualities that I pride myself on is gratitude. I know what I have in life and I appreciate where it all came from. Some of it is from my hard work, but a great deal has been through the love and support of my family and friends.

Here is where my snark-y side will come in. This is just a vent.

I feel there are quite a few times where I am not appreciated. I have gone out of my way to help. I have emotionally supported, financially assisted, and physically been there. This has been taken advantage of repeatedly, but I still do it. I am no martyr, I am no saint, and I don’t do it for recognition, but when I’m disrespected or my efforts aren’t appreciated, well I can’t help but to feel bitter.

I have done all of this in my relationships. I have also received this in my relationship from him as well, but it’s hurtful when it’s conveniently forgotten – all my compassion and affection that I’ve put into this. It seems to be forgotten all the times I bought train tickets to go up there and paid for stuff the entire weekend, because he was short. I have bought train tickets both ways as well (not just mine). I have gone out of my way every single holiday to make him smile – only to be let down because it was barely even recognized or appreciated in the past (he has gotten better about this, to be fair). I have gone above and beyond to thank him when he does the little things for me, and this I know for sure, because I want him to continue to do them now that he’s started and I figure if it didn’t occur to him to do them in the beginning of our relationship, I should appreciate that he does them now and make sure he knows it, so it continues…because I do deserve to be treated that way.

So now, to get through all of this and to be left in tears at the train station – hurting. For him to avoid the topic and not even offer an explanation – heartless. To try and pretend it didn’t happen and just carry on with normal conversation – cold. You can’t just yell at someone and hurt them, especially telling them that they are a bad person and over critical, then just expect them to recover without even discussing it with them.

Communication. Why is that so hard?

The other added part to this is the comment to me ‘I’m just under so much pressure. All these people keep expecting so much for me to move down here in just a few short months…’

No one is pressuring a choice like that. The few short months part is a lie. It’s been almost 2 years.

Come May 1st, changes will happen. Joyous like I want, or I’ll strong like I need if things don’t work out, I can’t sustain this.

The thing is – it could be so good. Everything could go so well if we could just…communicate.