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Forgiveness. What a vital thing to moving on. After my divorce, I had to push hard down that path to finally get to the point to forgive EX. It took even longer for me to forgive myself.

Anytime someone hurts you, there is the natural inclination, I believe, to want revenge. To want ill will toward the person that hurt you. I fall to that same feeling, initially, after any kind of relationship break up – even those that are with friends and family. I think as I’ve aged though, I realized that the only way to move along is to truly let it go.

So here’s what I’m letting go. I’m forgiving myself for allowing people to use me and take me for granted. I’m forgiving myself for making bad choices in relationships, for staying in ones where I gave more than I ever received, and for not getting out of them when I needed to.

As for forgiving the other people in them – I forgive them for being to blind to what they had in front of them. For the opportunity to be kind, which they passed up. I forgive them for not being capable enough to be in my life. Even when the timing seems perfect, sometimes it is definitely not. Time heals everything.

And all of that is okay. It’s okay for me to go through a process and it’s okay for me to forgive, even when I still hurt.



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I think the most difficult thing for me to keep in check since being divorced is the anxiety. Not over the divorce or even the kids. It’s the anxiety in being judged. Every single move I make feels like someone else is looking at it, just waiting for me to slip up and do the wrong thing.

Let’s take Facebook for example. A handful (and thankfully only a small handful) of times since the almost 4 years I’ve been divorced, I’ve posted a completely innocent post about something random, only to have someone take a screen shot and send it to my ex. Unfortunately when they send it, they give their own commentary or spin on it, then he’s upset because it’s always unfavorable because people just like to start problems. Instead of asking me if I meant something by it or what something means – he automatically will assume it’s about him. This happened earlier this summer when a “friend” on Facebook screen shot a post I did about missing the kids (they were on vacation with him) and counting down the days until they were home…and texted it to the Fiance of The Same Name. It was a mess. However, I do always stand my ground when I’ve done nothing wrong and I posted on Facebook (then sent him a screen shot of my own, so there was no question about it) how much I didn’t appreciate someone twisting my words and that if they were looking to hurt me, fine…but when they do stuff like that and make up things that make it difficult for me to co-parent with my ex-husband, they are hurting my kids and that I wouldn’t stand for.

Even something as simple as texts. We had a group text going for soccer recently and the coaches texted us about a practice and said that a parent needed to stay for a short meeting afterwards. The practice happened to fall when I was taking the kids on vacation. I knew EX was out of town when that text about the meeting came through so I simply responded that the kids and I would be on vacation, but hopefully their dad could make the meeting. Even though he was on a float trip, he still took the time to text me “there’s no ‘hoping’. I will be at the meeting” and then went on to ask me how would I feel if he texted something like that about me. I was lost. It wouldn’t have affected me at all. I tried explaining that I knew he was out of town, so it’s not like I was going to text and ask him if he could go, so I was simply stated that the kids and I would be gone and possibly he could make it.

Things like this happen more often than I’d like, so it feels like I’m under a constant microscope, trying to make sure I act/do/say the right thing. Not just from him either. Sometimes when I am just venting to my family, one of them will get onto a kick and become pious. I have to remind them that the things I talk to them about are not general knowledge and I actually vent to them so I’m not telling other people and get back to him.

With my kids though, it’s the most difficult. EX and I have very different parenting styles. When they come home from his house and tell me stories – like how they are not allowed to close their doors, or how Fiance of The Same Name walked in on them while they were in the tub because she wanted to make sure they were using the ceiling light and not the lights above the mirror, or how they are only allowed to use 3 squares of toilet paper…I can’t help but to be honest with them. I can’t tell them that I feel those things are fair. I can’t let them think that it’s okay for people to treat them that way because what happens when it’s not their dad doing it and it’s someone else. I want them to stand up for themselves. I want them to have privacy and respect others’ privacy. So often, in those situations, I will tell them that I agree, it is unfair or not the right thing to do. I’ve tried telling EX that first (in the hopes he would apologize and take back some of the insane rules he’s told them through the years) but that doesn’t work. So, I have to give my kids the confidence that when they feel things like that are wrong, they are correct. However, from time to time, this too comes back and bites me. One of the kids will mention this to him and he’ll get upset. Again though, I stand by what I did or said to the kids.

This all comes at a toll though. Stress. Added stress upon added stress. As if divorce and co-parenting and everything else wasn’t enough, I have to watch my P’s and Q’s like a hawk. Even when I think I’m doing well, something always seems to pop up that was misjudged.

I often feel like my life is on the edge of comfort and security, teetering into unrest and upset at the slightest unseen breeze.

I also know that some of that I need to get better about just internally managing. I need to focus on the fact that I am really doing nothing wrong, even though it may be perceived that way, and take comfort in that.

Some days though, like today, for no reason – I just feel like I want to puke.



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So, it’s been about a month and a half since total singledom again. I think the one month mark must be something men mark in their calendar when they are looking to date someone after they’ve just gotten out of a relationship. It must feel like the safe time to ask a girl out. I had held out hope for a very brief time, but dead air was all I got when it came to the ex-boyfriend. What a horrible way to end such an amazing relationship. I’m sure that will haunt him someday. Karma will, at least.

So I went on my first almost date Monday at lunch, oddly enough. I had a quick text from an old guy friend that asked me to lunch. I didn’t think anything of it until the conversation at lunch. He said that he didn’t realize that I was single again, right away, but once he did it took him all the strength he could muster not to call me immediately. He said he knew I’d need time and he was hoping it had been enough time, then asked me out for the next weekend I didn’t have the kids.

Now, all of the sudden, it seems like random contacts throughout the years are calling. Since then, another old acquaintance of mine (a research chemist I had met during my time when I returned to college a few years back, prior to this time and my MBA) just sort of appeared and asked if I wanted to go out with him sometime and have lunch. I accepted and we’re meeting up on Monday, during the holiday off. Then one of my coworkers mentioned to me that they’d given my email to their brother – whom I met a few years back at a company party (really interesting guy; he’s a graphic designer). Sure enough today, that email popped up as well.

Life is weird. It’s definitely exciting. That feeling of possibility I felt when ex-boyfriend had planned on moving here and we were going to start our life together in the same place has been replaced by the feeling of new possibilities. I’m cautious. I have learned a few things from my last relationship – namely not to settle for someone that was *such* a “fixer upper”, but that relationship also left me with a few good things. Namely hope. In hindsight, ex-boyfriend may have not really been what I wanted, but he showed me that I actually do want something. I want a functioning relationship where I feel secure and loved unconditionally. He showed me a great deal in our 3.5 years of things I don’t want – someone who is unmotivated to grow personally and professionally, someone who has difficulty thinking about how their life choices affect others, someone who has difficulty with commitment to the point of such low self esteem that they need to reach out to other women – not to cheat, but to boost their own confidence, someone who has some pretty self loathing addictions to overcome like alcohol and porn…and wow, I should have gotten away from that quicker. Just reading that, it really hit me.

So no more on him. No more indecisiveness and no more small thinking only inside a box. There were plenty of opportunities, but I’m pretty sure he’s convinced himself they weren’t there. Honestly, they aren’t there for him anymore.

Here’s to new beginnings. My life is going somewhere exciting, I just don’t know the destination yet.



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Ghosting. I had never heard this term until it came, quite appropriately today, across my screen in a Ghosting article on the New York Times.

I am being ghosted by ex-MOD. I think in return, I’m making sure to help him with that process by removing him where ever I can. I’ve taken him off everything of my kids (mostly for their protection, because he’s said some very misleading things to them – not bad things, but false promises), I’ve removed him from Facebook, I’ve even taken him off all my own apps, just so I don’t have to pass that painful reminder that he’s removed me without notice from his life.

What a messed up world we live in where, instead of dealing with our relationship ins and outs, we just walk away and disappear from them. What happen to human decency?

I think it first went away in my last relationship the second he stopped calling when he’d get his feathers ruffled. Every single time there was a conflict, he’d stick his head in the sand until I went chasing after his ghost.

I stopped chasing ghosts this time and found out how much of a ghost he could make himself. Walking away so cavalier from a close to 4 year relationship with a 7 word text. That shows me that his feelings were truly worth about 1 word for every 6 months. It also shows me that it wouldn’t have worked because throughout our entire relationship he was that way – always ghosting at the first sign of trouble.

That’s not how relationships work. They work because you are ever present, even more so during the rough times. I was going through so much and had difficulty focusing on fixing that issue (him ghosting) and forcing communication between us the last few months, that it ended. In hindsight, that shows me he wasn’t ready for a relationship like I was. It also shows me why such a nice, loving man was still single for all these years after his own divorce in his early twenties.

I’m thankful that I have the chance to move on and find a new Happily Ever After. I’m just sorry that, much like the ghosts in stories who can’t pass on to the ever after, he won’t be able to move on in his life with us either. Or possibly in his own, if he keeps that up.

Sometimes You’ve Gotta Laugh.


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Four years…yes FOUR years after the ex-husband has moved out, he walks into my home and states he would like to go through the CD’s.

I was slack jawed. I told him he went through them when we separated the stuff and asked what he was looking for. He says his iPod died and he’s missing a few CD’s and wanted to get them from here. So I asked which ones and told him I’d look. I had two of them and gave them to him.

It should have ended there.

In my defense, I’m just finishing up my first semester of my MBA, I haven’t exactly slept well since ex-boyfriend and I broke up, and I’m just, in general, exhausted. Single mom to three kids who tries to be Superwoman is tiring.

Instead of just letting it go, I asked him, ever so sweetly “Is there anything else you want to go through?” Only, he didn’t think it was so sweet. Instead he threw down the two CD’s, went off, then said “I forgot you’re perfect” (I’m not sure how that fit into the conversation). I suppose this was the wrong thing to reply, but I told him “thanks”. He then started yelling some more (and I, being slap happy, probably had a grin on my face which was totally inappropriate)…except then he started cussing. I stopped him immediately at his first bad word and said “Listen, that language is not allowed in our home and if you continue to use it, there is the door.”   He turned and walked out.

The kids were there and stared in disbelief. As soon as he walked out, Kid2 said “that was epic, mom”. They hate when EX goes off and yells for no reason, they hate when he’s upsetting or controlling toward me, and, most of all, they hate when he uses bad language.

Although I may have started it with my smart-alack comment asking him if he wanted to look through any other of my stuff, I feel I did teach my kiddos something; bullies can be stopped.

Convince Yourself All You Want.


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moving on

Yesterday I was asked out. Well, I was asked out last week as well, but it was by a man old enough to be my father. LOL! However, yesterday’s was real. I’m just not ready and I told this kind, young man that. His response was perfect – he said “that’s okay, I understand. I just wanted to make sure you knew I was here and interested so when you were ready, I’d be on your mind.” So while I wasn’t ready at that point, it did at least put the thought in my head for later.

Then ex-MOD called. Any conversation that starts with “I wanted to give you the dignity of a phone call to try and make you feel better” is a slap in the face. I have dignity. I was sad, but going through the normal process of moving on. He clearly showed that, while I had the dignity to not tell him to go do something anatomically impossible to himself, he has no class. It was laughable. I didn’t need him to “try and make me feel better”. I have way too much going in my life – family, friends, success, to ever need someone to call just to “make me feel better”. LOL!

It was a “priceless” conversation that I cut short due to his lack of compassion and caring. It did show me many great things though. It showed me that his immature process is exactly what I thought it would be. He’s spent this time convincing himself that he’s not sad about this and it will be easy for him to move on. To what though – a job he hates, alcohol, another relationship that will fail due to his lack of communication skills? I mean, he was getting better about it and could have continued, but no self respecting woman (who isn’t an enabler, like me) is going to accept that from a man in his upper 30’s – let alone help him work on it.

Unfortunately, he was so insulting to our relationship and so cavalier about the whole thing, being the self respecting woman I am, I couldn’t just let it go and let him get the best of me…and I continued to text briefly. Nothing in his tuned changed. He’s doing the whole “built up a wall because my life is so grand” (which it’s not, I can do better). While he had seemed to have changed and really started to focus on healing some of his past pain while in our relationship, this phone call he sounded exactly like he did the first few months we started talking on the phone – boy with a chip on his shoulder.

He was right in one way – he did make me feel better. I’m definitely feeling like it will be easier to move on. Still sad, still have a few “what ifs”…but I most certainly have MY dignity. LOL!

Today is Rough. I Feel Tomorrow Will Be, Too.


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Today was my first day back at work, post breakup (the kiddos and I were on vacation last week). I kept half expecting and waiting for my “good morning, I love you” text – which of course was foolish because he’s decided to move on.

My daughter keeps asking me why I don’t call him. She said it’s not like me not to try. I told her that’s very true, it’s not. Explaining to her though that this is the ex-boyfriend’s choice, to end communication, is not an easy one. She knows I’m big into talking through everything and I think it’s difficult for her to see that I’m not.

If only she knew how tough it was for me.

I want to hear that he realizes what he’s given up and how he’s going to get here. I want to hear how this was the biggest mistake of his life and he’s ready for the life we planned together. I just want to hear his voice and know how he could just wake up one day and decide he was done, turn around, and walk away like we meant nothing to him.

But I have a feeling he’s has convinced himself into complacency again. Passing by the chance for the family he’s always wanted and a life of happiness and stability. Love…unconditional love from many people, but mainly me.

It feels like a ghost though. I was so happy and then, he just disappeared. A seven word text was all it was worth. I am still heartbroken.

Heartbreak is Unavoidable.


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So I told the kids today the real deal. I think when MOD texted me on Friday morning the message “I can’t do it. I’m so sorry.” I was still in denial. It took me all weekend to come to terms with that –  our happily ever aftershave wasn’t going to include him. Even reading those words now causes tears to stream down my face.

The kids asked what happened. Do you know how hard it is to explain to them that three and a half years of a wonderful relationship, to a man they loved, was ended by a 7 word text? They wanted to know what happened, so I simply explained that MOD was to afraid to move down here and couldn’t get past that fear, that it was nothing they or I did, and that it was his decision and his choice. They asked me what we talked about when it happened. I told them we hadn’t talked, he just messaged me what he did and it was done. Then child 2 asked me, “Is there any chance he will change his mind?” I told him that I didn’t know, but considering I haven’t heard a peep from MOD, it seemed likely that the answer was no.

Then the crying started. As if my heart wasn’t hurting enough, I now had to watch my kids mourn the very same relationship that I was mourning. Which made it worse. They immediately wanted to call him. I told them no. They asked why he didn’t come to say goodbye. I told them I didn’t know, but I didn’t think that could happen. I told him MOD just needed some space and that maybe they could text him later in the week or so.


It feels so empty in our home now, minus one person that should be here. We’re packing to go on vacation and it feels so odd. The kids keep talking about funny things from previous vacations and stopping short, because they realize those memories all include MOD.

I look around and see so much that reminds me of him and our time together. The dried flowers atop our TV – roses from him. The photo, now taken down, of us with his grandma, and the one of our family at the Dixie Stampede (one of the things we did on our last vacation). The card he gave me recently after I was going through a particularly stressful time, with his sweet caricature of him, blowing a kiss, with the simple note “I love you. That is all.” The goofy little Cinderella Precious Moments he gave me for my birthday, because he knew that was my favorite fairy tale of all times…now just serves as a reminder of the Happily Ever After that slipped by, because of his fear.

It’s all still hard for me to process. Here is a man who loved us dearly, who could calm me down with the simple words “you’re better than this, stop” when I’d go over the deep end, who would rub my back every night to help me sleep, who would call me every night and text me every morning, even if it was just to say he loved me. This man who I envisioned my future with, that I was excited to be able to give him what he so desperately wanted – a real family, was gone with just a simple 7 word text.

I loved him. I truly loved him. These last few months were difficult for us because of the immense pressure of trying to get him to move here. I was difficult. He was difficult. I just can’t believe it culminated in this though. There was no final event. No cheating, no falling out of love – just him running away in the other direction without explanation. As I told the kids, we will move on. We did okay before MOD came into our lives and now, we will be fine after. We will be fine. I just need to keep reminding us of that.



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We all need things to kick us a little, shake us up, and remind us of what’s really important to us every once in awhile.

The thing I always keep in mind is that I know it’s out there for me. I know what I want is just ahead of me and all I have to do is keep moving forward, not backwards, to find it.