I have my cracks. I am repairing. I know it’s taking longer than you expect it should. It doesn’t mean I’m still broken – I’m mending. I’m trying to make the glue holding the pieces together dry faster.
I think the problem is that the divorce shattered me. I have all the pieces, I feel like I’ve put them back together, but in those places that were broken – it’s easier now to damage them again. So my issues that come up with my family and in my relationship with MOD may not, under normal circumstances, chip away at someone…but me they do because those parts were already damaged once, quite severely. And I’m not quite sure how to let go of those trust issues. My instinct – run away. My reality – I can’t.
Things are going better on the outside. I’m functioning a little better after the stresses of EX (and then MOD and I fighting right in the middle of it – not needed). I am realizing more and more who I can rely on for unconditional support and who not to. It all boils down to what I’ve tirelessly blogged (and you have all read) about – trust.
It’s a plain and simple thing, but it seems in this day and age the qualities that lend themselves to trust just aren’t there. We withhold information (and I’m just a guilty of that) either because we don’t want to hurt someone else or we don’t want to embarrass ourselves by explaining our feelings. People lie about the silliest and minor of things – why, I have no clue. People act single when they’re not, act kind hearted in the the light and mean behind closed doors, parent well in public and chastise at home, profess our love to others but never really carry through on the actions that truly show it.
Prior to my divorce, I was closed off. I didn’t share what was going on because I was afraid of people gossiping about it. I was also ashamed of what I was allowing to go on in my life. After my divorced, I opened up more to a small group of friends and loved ones. I poured my heart out to these trusted few. It felt really empowering to be able to let all that go. My trust issue at that point was that it was kept private – and everything was kept private in this small circle. Now though, the part of my trust issue that I’m working on is receiving and trusting unconditional support. Not just people who are there for me when it’s convenient for them, but who are there for me no matter what…no matter how hard things get (because I can already see they are heading in that direction). I’m edging carefully into this and seeing who is left over as my support system then and, I have to be honest, am a little surprised at some who really are unconditionally there for me. It makes me feel good.
These are the people who get me. HDM who can read a simple note from me and realizes there is so much more behind it and will make sure I’m okay. PM, my lifelong friend, who has this odd connection to me and seems to always know when it’s time to shoot me a text or meet up for lunch. She’s asked “How’s stuff going?” and when I say “Everything is going well.” she says “bullshit. Want to try that again? How’s life?” Even SK, whom is a newer friend, will give me a certain look and if I don’t tell her the answer she knows is swirling in my head, just says “mmm hmm”.
So where does all of this translate into men. Clearly, in dealing with my girlfriends v/s MOD, men and women are different. Trying to decipher what unconditional support means from a man is a little more difficult for me to do. I think because I’ve never had it. I’m not sure if I have it from MOD – and that’s not to say that I don’t (I’m still unsure), but I think because I’ve never had it from any male before (my father, my boyfriends, my ex-husband) I’m not sure what it means coming from a male or how it looks. Men and women communicate on a totally different level. I don’t know where to go with that.
Ah yes, still a work in progress I see.