I’ve always been a planner. Everything always has a few different perceivable outcomes for me and typically, things have always ended up within those outcomes in my mind – good or bad. In relationships though I’ve found this to be impossible. Divorce was definitely not something I had ever anticipated. Even now in my relationship with The Boyfriend, I find us in limbo.
In September, we will have been together for 3 years. In some regards, it feels like we just met because everything is so fresh and still so wonderful. In other regards, this seems like a lifetime.
It still feels new every time I see him step off that train. I get out of my car to pick him up (we have a long distance relationship and only see each other on the weekends) and my heart literally starts to pitter-patter a little faster. As soon as I spot those handsome brown eyes, I feel this amazing warm grin spread across my face. My palms will sweat, just for a moment, and then we’ll embrace and it’s like two old lovers meeting up once again. When we’re together, things are amazing. I wake up and see him sleeping peacefully and I feel a great calm and love for him as the sun comes in across his face. Even doing normal, household things seems absolutely lovely when he’s around. It’s a feeling I don’t want to end…but it always has to, because he lives 240 miles away from me. When he leaves, it feels like a disconnect; like a plug being pulled out of it’s socket. Sure, we talk on the phone, but it’s just not the same. We live two separate lives and, although we can tell each other about those lives, we can’t really experience them.
It feels like a lifetime every time he or I step on the train to go home – to our separate homes, 240 miles apart. He seems to seamlessly transition back to his single life, in his single world, still keeping tags on me and still attempting to communicate – but it’s not the same. It feels like we’ve been doing the back and forth forever – and not just in a literal way, but in an emotional way as well. We’ve been talking about him moving down for well over a year now – and have taken some slow steps to attain that. At times though, it feels like I’m pushing and he’s pulling and we are getting nowhere. I know we both ultimately want it, it’s just that it is a scary move, for BOTH of us. He feels like it’s all on him because I can’t move because of the kiddos so he is the one to uproot his life. I feel like he doesn’t appreciate that, while I don’t have to give up my home/job/friends, this is a huge step for me – letting another man around my children.
So we’ve been in limbo, which is getting really old for the both of us. We’ve both had our moments where we were ready to just tank it and give up, but we can’t. The connection and relationship there is so strong, that neither of us want to just let this pass by. However, it feels like we’re stuck. I can’t push him forward and he’s not taking the lead – but neither want to let go.
The worst part is the advice. Unless you’ve been in this situation – and I’m not talking just moving in together, I’m talking one of you totally uprooting your life to move in together, you have no clue what you are talking about. Sure, it all seems easy in theory, but then there’s the reality of needing to find someone to rent the space the other person is moving out of and that person finding a totally new job in this economy, and all the work that goes into combining everything and orchestrating it all. It is not as simple as it is so easily envisioned.
Actually, I lied. That’s not the worst part. The worst part is being me and not knowing if something I want so dearly will ever happen.