I’m about to say something that hasn’t come out of my mouth (at least not honestly come out of my mouth) in a long time. Are you ready for this?
I’m good. I’m fine. I’m fabulous, as a matter of fact.
All too often, people will ask how you are doing and it’s almost automatic to say “I’m fine”, even when you’re not. I’ve been guilty of this for years.
Things have slowly quieted down with EX as he’s started to accept the divorce.
Sure, I have my own share of stress and worries – but all of these are normal, everyday things.
“Am I doing the right thing as a parent?”
“Am I working hard enough at my job?”
“Did I forget to turn off the curling iron?”
I’ve found my own internal angst has quieted down to a manageable level. I have to be honest, I have a lot of people to thank for that. HDM, for example, she keeps my crazy in check. I can message my lovely friend anytime, any hour and, if she’s up, she will respond to me with the outside perspective we all sometimes need. It’s not just her perspective though, it’s her raw honesty that has helped get me where I am today. I’ve come to her with many things, thinking I know what she’s going to respond, and she’s totally taken me by surprise at times and given me an entirely new view. When I met her back in college, I had no idea we’d turn out to be such kindred spirits. She has shown me that it’s okay to open up to friends and trust them – that true friends will never let you down. She’s a phenomenal and amazing woman; knowing her has made me a better person. In addition to her, MOD has done more for me than I can ever explain. This man still truly baffles me – in a really wonderful way. Anytime we’ve had a problem or an issue I’ve always come to him and he does the most bizarre thing – he listens. LOL! Not only does he listen and try to understand my point (and tries his best not to get defensive), he thinks about what I’m saying, sees how it’s affecting me, and actually fixes the issue. I’m so used to my significant others being selfish that it’s still hard to adjust to this. He minimizes any drama in my life and definitely doesn’t bring any to our relationship. Loving him is easy – I love everything about him. I also have a group of very close friends (my whine/wine ladies) that have been my support group, my therapy if you will, and have made me feel secure and loved throughout all of this. They’ve shared their own stresses and worries and made me realize that – I’m not alone. I may feel lonely from time to time, but I am never truly alone.
I’ve also been able to repair my relationship with my mom, which brings me great comfort. My mom has been my best friend since day one. She may not always understand me, but she always gets me. I think through the relationships I’ve formed the past two years and learning to trust those, I think that has helped me trust my relationship with my mom again.
Although there are still gaps in my relationship with my dad and brother, and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to repair my relationship with my sister-in-law (especially since I have no idea what I did to make her so mad and she won’t communicate), they are getting better. I’m actually okay with that. Going through this has shown me where their limitations in our relationship are and now, I have to learn to accept that. I’m good with that.
It feels good to feel good. I’d forgotten that.