Backup Plan For The Heart.

Tags

love again, moving on, Next step

While things are going really well for me, I can’t shake the nagging thought in the back of my head “what’s next”. What’s next for me? Not just in the negative sense, but also in the positive sense.

MOD has officially declared he is moving closer. While this excites me immensely, it also makes me nervous. Not necessarily for the reasons you may think though. I think it’s definitely the next step in our relationship and will allow us to grow as a couple. However, I’m nervous to get too excited about it in case it falls through. I’m nervous about setting my life up again, thinking it’s going down one path, and having it all taken away again. I’m scared to be too happy about it because I’m afraid if I am, it will all go away.

I’m a planner to the Nth degree. I don’t only make a plan, I make backup plans. Heck, I probably have backup plans for my backup plans. It’s impossible to make a backup plan for the heart. It’s impossible to say “well, if I get my heart broken again, I’ll do this instead and that will fix the heart.” Being a planner, that’s a difficult concept for me.

Bless Me Father, For I Have Sinned.

Tags

confession, Divorce, optimist, pessimist

Confession time. I’m not proud of my feelings sometimes so I tend to just keep them to myself and feel ashamed. However, I have a feeling that what I’m going through is common (*fingers crossed* or I may just be a bad person).

I’ve spent the past 10 years being a pretty good mom. I love my kids unconditionally, I always support and try to go to all their big events, I’m a really active mom and really talk and listen to them. All in all, I really enjoy being a parent. One of the “rewards” I get for this – I’m the favored parent. Okay, there…I admitted it. My kids do tend to favor me for most things and secretly, I love that. I’m not a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve had my share of “bad mommy” moments and I know I will continue to, but my kids realize that through those moments, my heart is in the right place (even if my brain and words aren’t). They’ve struggled to feel this way with their dad. At times, they have felt unimportant, they have been hurt by his actions and words which has left them feeling insecure (mainly because EX does nothing to make up for his “bad daddy” moments – like say he’s sorry…which I always make a point of doing when I slip up).

So at times like these, when EX seems to be getting his head out of his posterior, and is actually being a good dad…it secretly infuriates me. Which, in turn, makes me feel like a really bad person. I should be happy that he has been active, caring, and engaged, but instead I’m just pissed.

I think some of it is that it partially pisses me off because I’ve spent the past decade a good mom and my kids adore me. He spends the past month being a good dad…and they adore him just the same.

Through these times, my conscience tells me that I’m being selfish. It tells me what I should be feeling is happy because my kids are happy and they are getting to have a good time with their dad.

Then the pessimist kicks in and whispers to me ‘it won’t last, it never does’. I start to worry about them feeling good and letting their guard down, because that just means it will hurt even more when he goes back to his normal ways.

Then the optimist kicks in and says ‘but what if it does last? what if he’s found his way?”   Sadly, that just makes me want to kick the optimist’s ass. This thought always leaves me conflicted. See, if he has found his way and this “good daddy” lasts, it means that the failure in our marriage wasn’t that he wasn’t fixable, it means I couldn’t give him what he needed to be fixed…or that I wasn’t worth fixing it for.

However it pans out I know that, logically, I shouldn’t feel this way – that I should just feel happy that my kids are happy, feel happy that they are having warm, fuzzy feelings about their dad, and just deal with things as they come…good and bad.

It’s Good. Oh.My.God…What Is This.

Tags

Divorce, feeling good, happy

I’m about to say something that hasn’t come out of my mouth (at least not honestly come out of my mouth) in a long time. Are you ready for this?

I’m good. I’m fine. I’m fabulous, as a matter of fact.

All too often, people will ask how you are doing and it’s almost automatic to say “I’m fine”, even when you’re not. I’ve been guilty of this for years.

Things have slowly quieted down with EX as he’s started to accept the divorce.
Sure, I have my own share of stress and worries – but all of these are normal, everyday things.

“Am I doing the right thing as a parent?”
“Am I working hard enough at my job?”
“Did I forget to turn off the curling iron?”

I’ve found my own internal angst has quieted down to a manageable level. I have to be honest, I have a lot of people to thank for that. HDM, for example, she keeps my crazy in check. I can message my lovely friend anytime, any hour and, if she’s up, she will respond to me with the outside perspective we all sometimes need. It’s not just her perspective though, it’s her raw honesty that has helped get me where I am today. I’ve come to her with many things, thinking I know what she’s going to respond, and she’s totally taken me by surprise at times and given me an entirely new view. When I met her back in college, I had no idea we’d turn out to be such kindred spirits. She has shown me that it’s okay to open up to friends and trust them – that true friends will never let you down. She’s a phenomenal and amazing woman; knowing her has made me a better person. In addition to her, MOD has done more for me than I can ever explain. This man still truly baffles me – in a really wonderful way. Anytime we’ve had a problem or an issue I’ve always come to him and he does the most bizarre thing – he listens. LOL! Not only does he listen and try to understand my point (and tries his best not to get defensive), he thinks about what I’m saying, sees how it’s affecting me, and actually fixes the issue. I’m so used to my significant others being selfish that it’s still hard to adjust to this. He minimizes any drama in my life and definitely doesn’t bring any to our relationship. Loving him is easy – I love everything about him. I also have a group of very close friends (my whine/wine ladies) that have been my support group, my therapy if you will, and have made me feel secure and loved throughout all of this. They’ve shared their own stresses and worries and made me realize that – I’m not alone. I may feel lonely from time to time, but I am never truly alone.

I’ve also been able to repair my relationship with my mom, which brings me great comfort. My mom has been my best friend since day one. She may not always understand me, but she always gets me. I think through the relationships I’ve formed the past two years and learning to trust those, I think that has helped me trust my relationship with my mom again.

Although there are still gaps in my relationship with my dad and brother, and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to repair my relationship with my sister-in-law (especially since I have no idea what I did to make her so mad and she won’t communicate), they are getting better. I’m actually okay with that. Going through this has shown me where their limitations in our relationship are and now, I have to learn to accept that. I’m good with that.

It feels good to feel good. I’d forgotten that.

Not Emotional…Overly Sensitive.

Tags

Divorce, happy, life goes on, overly sensitive

I wouldn’t describe myself as overly emotional, rather overly sensitive. I think too much, worry more than the average person, and play out every possible scenario that could ever occur – no matter how unlikely…but that’s all done behind the scenes and no one else is privy to that entire process.

I’m about to turn 35 and I have been this way as long as I can remember. Instead of crying about things as a kid, my feelings would get deeply hurt and I would hold it in. I think this has been a good and a bad thing. The good thing is that I think it’s given me thick skin. The bad thing is that – well, I hold it in.

There are, however, certain things that still will set me off about my divorce. Looking back, it’s not that these things are setting me off with greater frequency or pain, but things are finally going so well in my life and I’m so darn happy that when something hits me, it feels magnified.

So, I’m just putting this out there. These are two things that still hit me on a fairly regular basis.

• When I have a rough morning with my kids, it makes me feel incredibly lonely because I have no one to talk about it with.
• When I see a family (mother, father, kid or kids) that are together, doing normal family things, happily together – it brings me to tears.

Thankfully when they have been hitting me, it is merely a brief moment of sadness that quickly goes away and is completely replaced by all the happy things in my life. But during those moments I remember how much hope I had when I first got married and how excited I was with the prospect that I was marrying the love of my life, would raise a happy family with him, and we’d share in all of our successes. I’m now stuck raising my 3 greatest successes, my children, with a man who truly is a stranger to me. This is the guy I am stuck celebrating these moments with – and he doesn’t even appreciate what an amazing life these kids have given and will give us.

So here is the frightfully annoying thing about these moments – I, myself, have never been happier. I say that’s frightfully annoying because it’s scary for me to feel this happy. I can’t recall the last time life felt so good. It’s annoying because I just want to keep the high I feel from everything else and just push back and bury those things that still hit me…but I know I shouldn’t.

Life.Is.Good.  I genuinely mean that. I am continually amazed by MOD and his ability to support me, emotionally heal me, and I’m amazed at how my trust has grown in him. This is it, this is the real deal. We’ve had a few bumps in the road, but after we made it past this last issue that was lingering – it’s been amazing beyond amazing.

I just realized what this means…Singlemom78 is actually capable of trusting someone and letting them in. You have no idea what a HUGE step that is for me.

Me Too.

Tags

life, moving on, positives

April 1, 2011–the day EX and I officially separated. At that time, I didn’t know how I would ever muster up the strength and courage to carry on. I didn’t know that once I got out of my marriage, I would eventually let go of all the pain and frustration and I would pull my kids and myself together and carry on. Here I am though, 2 years later…and life is good.

I don’t know what it’s like to have an alcohol or drug problem, but I often compare my marriage and my obsession with trying to fix it at all costs as my “drug of choice”. For the longest time, I told myself if I could be strong enough, if I could support him enough, I could fix this mess we had created. Instead though, I enabled him. Every time he broke promises, every time he emotionally hurt our kids and I allowed it to go on – I enabled him. He was my drug of choice. I did everything I could to keep him there even when he was doing way more harm than good. I put up with WAY more than I should have, but was addicted to fixing it. The problem was – the fix had to come from him. He had to make the choice of us over whatever demons he was fighting with…and he didn’t. So I had to make the difficult decision to leave my drug of choice; I filed for divorce.

I’ve never lived on my own, until these past two years. I went from my parent’s house to the college dorm, to being a married woman. I’ve learned a lot about myself, but most importantly that I really like myself. I like that I am strong, I like that I make decisions based not just off my wants, but also for the larger good.

It’s hard realizing that just because life didn’t happen how I planned, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen how it was supposed to. I used to live in fear of not being able to make things work with EX. I constantly worried and fretted about “What if he never changes? What if we don’t stay together?” Well, I know that answer now. He won’t ever change and we, most definitely, are not together. So what’s the positive out of this? What could go right? My life. It’s my life now. That’s the right. I’m no longer living in fear that EX will drink himself stupid and go to work and lose his job because I’m not reliant on his income, I’m reliant on mine. I no longer have to worry about being lied to, devalued, or degraded because I have control over who is in my life and who isn’t – armed with the knowledge of what it’s like to be with someone like that and knowing I won’t allow it again.  The divorce has allowed me to shield my kids somewhat from him (the best I can) and also given me legal ground to stand on to protect them.

I am feeling exceedingly blessed for my dear, dear friends, family, and MOD (especially MOD) who have stood by my side and are supporting me through this all. Without all them, I would have more difficulty seeing the positives.

#1 Want.

Tags

family, happy, love, Wants

So in order to figure out what I want, I should take a step back and take inventory of what I have.

I have three amazing kids that I absolutely adore. They are the center of my universe.

I have a family that is crazy, non-traditional, and sometimes – quite frankly, they drive me insane because they are all up in my business ;)  …but they love and support me. We’ve had our differences, but we’ve always managed to come back together.

I’m in a career I love. I don’t understand what my affection for numbers is, but it works for me.

I have fabulous, close friends that love me unconditionally – even when I’m not so lovable.

And…as highlighted last night (and many, many times prior to last night), I have an amazing MOD who gets me, cares about me, and supports me.

So my number one want is to keep all those things in my life happy, healthy, and loved…because that is how they keep me.

Well, What Do You Want.

Tags

career path, Divorce, life path, Wants

I had a really interesting conversation with some friends this week. My class got out early and, just as I was heading home, LDJ texted and asked if I was free for a beer – so we met up, along with another friend, OR. We spoke about a great deal of things, but one of them was the future. What am I going to do, post CPA…

Well heck, it seems recently I have difficultly deciding what I want for breakfast, so what do I want to do with my life next – that seems near impossible for me to answer. It was really nice to talk with friends about what possibilities and potential I have, but my mind was wandering during the conversation and I think LDJ & OR could tell I was starting to feel overwhelmed. Finally, a pause came in the conversation and I felt LDJ’s hand on my forearm, which snapped me out of my angst, and the question was asked of me – “Well, what do YOU want?”    I have to be quite honest, I can’t remember the last time someone actually asked me that…or when I seriously asked myself that question.

What I want…what a novel concept. I’m the parent who does the difficult things. I give up a majority of my spare time because EX is always doing what he wants and can’t deal with the kids. I (gladly) give up things for my kids wants and needs. Wait…I have wants of my very own?

It has seemed, in the past, like my wants were always put aside – or maybe it’s that other peoples’ wants, I have morphed into my own because I have cared so much. I wanted my family to stop coddling EX after the divorce – but it’s not what they wanted and they continued to torture me, so they kept at it for almost 9 months after the divorce. I was screaming, sometimes quite literally, about what I wanted from them…but it fell on deaf ears. My marriage was the same. I wanted EX to get help…but that too fell on deaf ears. I wanted to save my marriage…but I was the only one that wanted to do that.

What do I want? WHAT do I want? What DO I want? Pondering……I think I need to ponder what my wants really are.

A Step Back.

Tags

being kinder, fighting personal battles, kind, present, understanding

Sometimes I feel like I have to pull myself back and slow down a little. Because of my crazy schedule, the kids, work, school, and everything else that goes along with being a single mom, I feel like I’m so focused on the end goals of things that I forget to look and enjoy the present. I don’t have to be driven in everything, every single day of my life. As long as I’m motivated and aiming for my goals, I will still end up where I need to be. I’m still working on forgiving myself for when I fall short, for sometimes missing the mark as a parent, and for getting behind at work and homework…and always trying to remember that I’m doing the very best I can.

It’s hard when you have to face critics though. The ones that take the wind out of your sails and seem to knock you back a bit. Instead of getting upset about that, I know I need to keep in mind that everyone is fighting their own battle, and it reminds me that I too should be less quick to judge and bring them down. That’s a hard thing to do, but I know it’s the right thing to do. Those that offer the most criticism often feel the most critical about themselves.

Marriage Again…Uh…Oh Look, A Bird!

Tags

marriage, moving on

People seem to have such a double standard. I’ve heard them make comments about other women when they move on too quickly from a divorce and get remarried, but they also make comments to me – someone who is taking every day slowly and still leery of the thought of marriage. It’s almost like they have a set amount of time…within 1 year is too soon, but holding out 2 years is too long. I’ve had the term “commitment phobe” thrown at me by a close friend or two, just because of my uncertainty in relationships.

Everyone is fighting their own battle. At first, I kept telling people that when the time and person is right, I would possibly reconsider my thoughts. I hated the all too often responses I got – ‘oh, you’ll change your mind’ or ‘I used to feel that way, I think everybody goes through that phase’. So now, instead of giving them a serious answer that they’ll tell me is wrong, I just divert attention.

Them: “So Singlemom78, do you think you’ll ever get married again?”
Me: “Oh look!! A bird!”

Just when things seem to be going smooth and I see a glimmer of hope things are calming, something always seems to happen. At times, I wonder if this is maybe not the universe doing it, but me. Maybe I am throwing my own road blocks in the way because I’m afraid.

Oh look!! An elephant!

Yeah, when the time is right, I’ll see that in the room too.

Bending ‘Til I Break.

Tags

alone, hurt, manipulation, pressure, uncaring

As if my own stress and worries weren’t weighing me down enough, I worry for my kids too. My daughter is really starting to express how hurt she is by her father’s apparent inability to care about her needs instead of always placing his own first. He is constantly dodging time with the kids (which is exceedingly limited anyway) and it’s starting to wear on her. This became blazingly obvious last night when I took her out for dinner last night, after her father told her she didn’t have to come over during his visitation time if she didn’t want to and, even if she did, she was going to spend most of it with his girlfriend because he was too bothered to deal with all three kids at an indoor soccer practice.

I wonder sometimes if something will finally push me hard enough that I snap. My lack of support system (I have people to vent to, but even they have to be sick of hearing about it by now), my feelings of helplessness as I watch my kids feel rejected once again, and the obvious lack of concern by EX.

When did people stop caring about others? When did they stop reaching out and asking what’s wrong? How could a parent just not notice the hurt he’s causing his kids? How has he been able to turn a blind eye to it, even when I’ve told him about it? This feels worse (having the kids feel this way) than if I were rejected myself.

It’s moments like this, when I realize it’s just me raising three kids, that I am solely responsible for them and their well being, and I feel incredibly alone.